Lost In Life- A Story

first day of getting my love

Long ago there was a 23-year-old female. She had a love but he was sick, very sick. Late afternoon on Memorial day she lost her brother. A Lab- German Shepard named Heckta. She was heartbroken but she knew she would see him again.

A week of pain goes by until she gets a surprise from her loving mother. 2 little birds. It made the hole she had in her heart just a little better. Sometimes in life, an unexpected gift could change your world.

Another week goes by, still misses her brother. She sees online a beautiful little boy whom she knows she has to have. Big brown eyes, golden fur like the sun. Sent from Heaven from her brother. She told her birds every day that they would have a puppy brother named Kobe.

More weeks go by until the July day when the little boy would arrive. He was small and even more adorable in person. Perfect. Kobe took into his new life very well. Like I said, sent from Heaven and meant to be.

Years would go by. Even more in love, she would fall with the little boy every day. Eventually, she would lose both birds to God. It broke her heart because she never saw it coming.

The thing about birds is that will never show that they are sick. You have to look out for signs they do show.

Time went by so fast. Ups and downs in their life (mostly downs). They were homeless, living in basements, in cold weather, did not know where the next food would come from. Through all this pain she was able to manage as she had the love of her life with her and her mother. The boy she knew she would be lost without.

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As they traveled to a new state, they had hopes things would go better. Again, some good times and some very bad times. Just much of the same.

October 2022 would be the month she had been dreading for the past 11 and a half years. She already had a terrible summer with the loss of many of her beloved cats. Not knowing what else bad could happen in her life, God decided to take the one thing she valued the most away from her.

Why God why do you hate me so bad? I am in Hell, a nightmare.

Early October 22, 2022, she lost her best friend, the love of her life, her hero, someone she spent 24/7 with for 11 years.

Lost in life she does not know what to do. She stands in one spot just frozen. Just staring blankly in space wondering what possibly she did so wrong that life would be so cruel to her.

“Why”, she cried and begged for answers. “Why hurt me so bad? What did I do so wrong? I just want my baby back.”

In a world where she was followed everywhere she went, she was happy. No matter what happen, she knew he would always be right by her side.

To My Baby Bear-

I am so sorry. Sorry that I was not enough. Sorry that I did not do enough to save you. Sorry for being such a loser that I lost you. Sorry for sleeping so much. Sorry for not giving you all the attention you deserved. Sorry for all the times we were homeless, cold, hungry, sweaty. Sorry for bringing the cats home and letting them multiply.

Sorry for all the things I did not do right.

I tried giving you the world. Letting you do whatever you wanted (with some rules) Letting you eat whatever you wanted (not the bad things) Trying not to get mad as she never knew what life had planned next.

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You were my little world, You were my everything, my hero, my heartbeat, my soulmate. You still are and will always be. You saved me countless of times. If it was not for you I would not be here today. You did more then I could ever ask for.

Now that you are gone, I don’t know what to do. I am completely lost. Living life in a void state, a state of denial, a state of emptiness, a nightmare, an illusion, blindness, walking through life in an unconscious state.

I do not know where to go or what to do. If I will ever be able to cope again or live again. I want to not feel the pain of losing you. To not forget you. To rewind time somehow so you can still be with me. I want to be with you no matter what it takes.

I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you. I need you with me again. I want to be whole again. My happy place was cuddling in bed with you. Now I have no happy place. Just sadness

We will be together again, soon.

“I can’t sleep at night without holding you tight”

My song to Kobe, the love of my life

What happens next?

I do not know what will happen next. I do not want to do anything right now but be alone. Sit in my bed in my voided state. My happiness is gone. Until he somehow comes back to me (hopefully a human version so we can talk) I will be taking a break.

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