What I Wish I Knew- About Self Harm

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*Warning- This post may have triggering effects, so read cautiously* 

Self-harm is when you harm yourself on purpose. This can include cutting yourself, burning yourself, hitting yourself and many more.

I didn’t know much about self-harm when I started or that it was even a thing. I just liked the feeling.
I liked being in control.
I liked seeing the blood seep down my arm.
I liked having a secret and lying when someone saw my various cuts.
I liked how it would leave a scar. How I would want to recut when I would see the scar.

I am well aware of how mental this all sounds but sometimes we think like this.

My goal today is to show those young kids that self-harm is not all it is cracked up to be. It is not a game. It is something to be taken seriously. I am hoping this post will inspire someone to go get help. To take their pain away in a different way. To not feel alone. So let us get into the post, but first.

If you self harm then please please seek help that way you can live a ‘normal’ life with no scars. I have a page dedicated to helpful resources that will help if you ever need help, feel lonely or anything else. There are various resources there so feel free to take a look Helpful Resources and
Signs to look for

I wish I knew- Self-harm is an addiction

Not many people understand this but it is true. When you self harm you feel the adrenaline. You like how it feels. At the moment, it does not hurt. Nothing hurts because you are hurting on the inside and want that pain to go away.

I know that when it is over, you regret what you did. You cry in shame. Cry wishing that you were like other people. This crying makes you want to self-harm again but you stop yourself.

Just like alcohol or drug addiction, you never truly recover. The feeling of wanting to harm when you are sad will always be there.

I wish I knew-  It won’t just be a phase that I will grow out of

My brother self harmed but he grew out of it. I never grew out of it

I wish I knew-  I didn’t have to hide it from people I love

 People care about you even if you feel like they don’t. People do not wish that you hurt yourself on purpose.
 I remember my mom being upset when she found out. Upset that she didn’t notice. Upset feeling like she failed as a mother. Upset that I could not tell her.
 I know you want to hide your cuts. I know you feel like if you should someone you feel like you would be a burden. Let me tell you this, you are not a burden.

I wish I knew-   How happy it made me feel

I did not want to feel happy after I self-harmed but I did. I did not want to do something like this to get me in a better mood but I did.

I just wanted to feel numb. I wanted the emotional pain to go away. I did not want to enjoy hurting myself but I did.

It made me feel a sense of accomplishment. It made me feel special. Most importantly, it made me feel good when times were bad.

At age 32, I find myself still enjoying the relief that self-harm gives me. I still enjoy seeing the blood seep down my arm. I still enjoy seeing the scabs and the scars. Picking at the scabs is still pleasurable.

I wish I knew-  Many many other people have the same addiction

 You are not alone. A study shows that 1 in every 12 teens self-harm. It does not matter your race, gender or really age. Self-harm can occur to everyone.
 Many will self-harm to see what it is like. Others will self-harm and find the addiction side. They will self-harm every time they are upset and want to hide their emotions.

I wish I knew-  That it could evolve into worse things

 It started with a simple cut.
A simple cut that turned into a half arm of cuts.
A simple cut that turned to my legs, my stomach and other various places that I could hide.
The simple cut then turned into burning (luckily a failed attempt).
The simple cut turned into hitting myself.
The simple cut turned into drinking.
The simple cut that turned in picking at every little scab I have so now I am filled with scars.
 It started with a simple cut. A simple cut that did not take my pain away enough. A simple cut that if I could turn back time would never be any cut at all.

I wish I knew-   How much it would ruin my body

My arms will never recover from the scars of my youth. The scars of self-harm past.

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My arm will not have cuts on it until I receive the correct help. Even after, my arm may still get cuts on it.

We think of quotes like this. We may have lost to our demons but they did not get the best of us. We are still standing.
Our scars tell the story of when we were down. Of all the times we fought and won.

Be proud of your scars. Be proud of your past. Be proud you fought to see the next day

I wish I knew-  How much people would judge

Oh, how will they judge. Your family and friends might even judge which is sad because they are the people who should be comforting you.

You will get lots of questions, dirty looks. You will get people thinking you are insane. Just ignore those who judge. They don’t know what you are feeling.

I wish I knew-  That I am not crazy, I just need help

 I think the two major reasons why people don’t tell others why they self-harm are fear or judging and fear of people thinking they are mental.
While it may be true that you have a mental illness, you are not mental. Nor are you crazy. You just have a different way of dealing with pain than other people.
When you get help from a trained therapist, then you will ok. As I said, you may not fully recover but you will be better.

I wish I knew-  There were other ways of taking away my pain like talking to someone or writing it down

 I did not have to self-harm. There are other ways to ease the pain. I could have journaled, talked to someone, exercised, listened to music… There were countless other things I could have done.
Why did I choose to take the razor to my arm that day?
Why did I choose to keep doing it every time I felt sad?
 Questions I will never know the answer to

Conclusion

 Self-harm sucks. With the right help, support system and time, you will be able to feel normal.
 Make sure you get help with the first sign of wanting to hurt yourself.
Print these self-affirmations and out them all over your house, by your bed and in your purse. That way you can read it whenever you are feeling lonely or need to
 

2 thoughts on “What I Wish I Knew- About Self Harm”

  1. Pingback: Top 10 Budget Friendly Ways to Make Gift Giving Less Stressful - Fablemoon Says

  2. Thank you for sharing this! It's perfect timing for my life right now and it served as a breath of fresh air to hear some of your thoughts.I know it couldn't have been easy, but I hope it gets easier so you can continue to help others who are going through the same things you are

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